Thursday, February 9, 2012 — Salem, VA
Today the Schmitt family sadly lays to rest Rick Schmitt. Husband, brother, father, grandfather (!), cousin, friend, colleague. Perhaps the right word is lament – that sense of grief, loss, and mourning as a loved one leaves our presence.
Rick SchmittRick was my cousin. While our families spent time together when we were young, like many cousins, as we grew older we traveled down different roads. I found myself looking around today at his wake and seeing many faces for the first time – more cousins, his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his friends. I found myself lamenting the loss of connection. So much of his life was unknown to me: I didn’t know of his profession, didn’t know his wife and children, only learned now of the great passions of his life.
Still, cousins are special. An unknown sage expressed it clearly:
Cousins are usually the first friends we have as children. No one will ever understand the idiosyncrasies of your family better than your cousins. Even if you don’t get to meet them often.
What makes cousins into first friends? Why is there that deep sense of belonging whenever, however rarely, we gather together? Perhaps it is the shared adults. My parents, after all, are my cousins’ uncle and aunt. Their parents are my uncle and aunt. We shared the same grandparents. We do indeed understand the idiosyncrasies of our family and perhaps it is that shared experience that creates a bond. And yet we cousins grew older we headed in many directions…
It is not surprising that, as the Schmitt family tree grew – the Schmitt / Hall, the Dibley / Schmitt, the Schmitt / Miller, the Miller / Schmitt and the May / Schmitt branches, each of us sought out our own path. Another writer recently turned to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet for insight into this reality:
The question of the play (Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet) is this: Which love is pre-eminent? Is it the love to which you are born — your family, your religion and your tradition — the love of one’s own? Or is it the acquired love, the one you have chosen?
As children we cousins were an important part of each other’s early lives. As we became adults we began to pursue our heart’s passions and desires. Sometimes that means staying close to “one’s own” and sometimes it means finding a different path. It is lamentable that these paths often result in separation from the first friends of our childhood, our cousins. And yet no distance can take away he understanding that runs deep and is there even if we don’t get to see each other often.
As we grow older we also share new types of loss. Marie, Betty and Irene have all left us. All three women touched us deeply and either gave us life or helped shape our lives. And now we also share the loss of a sibling. Terri and Rick both torn from us by cancer. Once again we share terrible losses. Once again it is cousins who understand without being told what it means.
So today perhaps a simple prayer is in order – that we find a way, in spite of the distance, to connect as often as we can. While late, perhaps there is still time to learn much about my cousin – from his family, his friends, the great gift of his life. – Requiem Æternam